Welcome back, traveller! Thanks for returning to The All Consuming Fire (that sentence makes it sound like you’re being damned for all eternity. Hey, maybe you will be).
So, as you will no doubt remember, I decided to follow Tim’s advice and we would go speed dating.
I don’t know if this system is implemented at every speed dating party, but generally a group of men and women sit round a room in a bar and chat with each other. After a few minutes all the guys move to the next table and start chatting to the next girl, and you mark on a piece of paper the girls you’re interested in, and vice versa.
This information is then processed– through the use of witchcraft, or something – and your details are swapped with any girl who felt the same towards you.
So if Man A likes Woman B, and she likes him, their phone number or e-mail address will be exchanged. But Woman B’s details won’t be swapped with Man C if she didn’t like him much. (Maybe he smells funny, or is really sweaty?)
So, that’s how speed dating worked, and here’s what happened!
Back in 2009…
After the pub that night, we went to the cinema to see Transformers 2 (it was not brilliant, though Tim liked it, which made me wonder why I was listening to his advice). I didn’t mention anything more about speed dating.
I mean, did I really want to get myself into this? Being forced into people’s company like some weird social experiment? I was uncomfortable with the idea, for sure.
But a few days after Tim suggested it, I read an article about a man who created sperm from stem cells. It was on the news, and there were articles all over the Internet about how men were going to become obsolete.
‘Now I have no chance of getting a girlfriend!’ I joked to myself. But I didn’t laugh. I didn’t laugh, because (a) it wasn’t funny, and (b) it made me think of the conversation I had with Tim.
So I put my reservations to the side, and decided to Go For It, with capital letters and everything.
Naturally, I’d be dragging Tim along with me. He was coming round to mine to help me build a shed, so I would bring it up then.
8 hours of shed-building hell later…
I told Tim that speed dating was possibly a good idea.
‘It’s possibly a good idea,’ I said.
‘Glad you agree!’
‘Yeah, well, I thought about what you said and maybe speed dating would be a good shout. Or it could be sheer torture. Either way, it could be a laugh.’
‘Honestly man, you’ll be fine. Everyone’s there for the same reason, it’ll be fun. Go in with an open mind and you’ll enjoy it. And you could meet someone you like.’
‘I’ll look into it. And you’d be up for coming with me?’
‘Of course.’
So I fired up the PC and we scoured the interweb for some speed dating events in Glasgow. It didn’t take long before we found one for our age group (23-27).
‘Hmm, that one sounds good,’ I said. ‘You up for that?’
‘I don’t know man,’ Tim said. ‘Looks a bit posh.’
Eh?
‘How is it too posh? There’s a difference between a nice bar and a posh bar,’ I said.
‘Let’s keep looking.’
And we did. And we found more places. And they were all “too posh”.
‘What’s wrong with them?’ I said. ‘You said yourself that everyone’s there for the same reason! You said it would be fun! You said “have an open mind”!’
I then called him a muppet.
‘Well this isn’t what I meant,’ he said. ‘I was hoping to just turn up in jeans and a t-shirt. You know, have a laugh.’
‘Can’t you turn up in a smart shirt and jeans and have a laugh? What difference does it make?’
‘It’s just… It’s not as casual as the one I went to before is all I’m saying.’
‘Well of course not, you were at Uni. Doing it like this would be “broadening one’s horizons”. Are you scared in case you don’t make a fat girl cry this time? Is that why you don’t want to go?’
‘She didn’t cry, I never said that. I said I pissed her off.’
‘Whatever. Look man, I’m only taking your advice. You’re shooting this down before it’s even taken off. How can you tell me to go when you won’t do it?’
‘Well it’s for your benefit, not mine.’
‘Cheers mate.’
‘Well it’s not like you do everything I tell you, is it?’
‘But a man made sperm in a lab! This could be our last chance before women realise they don’t need us and turn all men into slaves!’ I said, slightly over-reacting (but only slightly). ‘Plus, you did say you enjoyed the one you went to… regardless of how many girls hate you now.’
‘That’s not fair; I was only cheeky to that one girl. You’re blowing it out of proportion.’
‘Out of curiosity, what did you say to her?’
‘…I don’t remember.’
‘Well that’s a lie. Go on, tell me.’
‘Well… she came over and sat at my table and…’
‘And…?’
‘Well, I just… I just said “no chance, love”.’
Tim went a bit red.
‘Anyway,’ he said, ‘I’m not going to any of those posh bars. They probably charge a fortune for a drink as well.’
‘Most of our time will be spent chatting, not drinking.’
‘I don’t care.’
I sighed. ‘Well, if speed dating’s out, I don’t know what else to suggest. I don’t fancy online dating.’
‘Me neither.’
‘Too posh?’
‘Shut up.’
‘I’d be scared in case I met up with a complete weirdo,’ I said.
Maybe this statement was a little (a lot…) narrow-minded, but I’ve heard stories about people chatting over the net, then meeting face to face, after which one of them goes home wearing the other’s intestines.
Okay, maybe not quite like that, bust still.
‘Well, maybe not actually,’ said Tim. ‘I’m sure my flatmate’s friends are on some of those sites and they’re nice enough. Might be worth a look.’
‘You want to look at dating sites? It’s getting late.’ It was before midnight, which may not be late to all 23-year-olds, but I defy anyone not to be tired after going through the traumatic experience of building a shed that comes with the instructions for the Death Star.
‘Well I don’t wanna sign up to anything, no,’ said Tim. ‘But we could look around, see if anything pops out.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘We might find some casual speed dating places.’
‘Places where you’d be allowed to wear a tee shirt, you mean?’
‘Yup.’
After a brief search we found a dating site. It looked a bit dodgy. Nonetheless, we delved in. To have a “look around” you had to choose a login name and write a profile. We did this and then looked at a few people that the website determined would be suitable for us. They seemed normal, but I felt a bit uncomfortable staring at strangers on my computer screen. It was all a bit sordid. It was like looking at porn, but without the naughty bits and all of the guilt.
As for speed dating, we found no sites that said ‘Casual Speed Dating! Here!’ or ‘Welcome Speed Daters! T-Shirts Welcome!’.
‘Well, I’m away,’ said Tim. ‘It’s getting past my bedtime.’
‘No worries,’ I said.
After he left, I made a few more touches to the profile site, for no other reason than it was still on my screen. Beyond the stuff about your employment status and favourite colour, there were a few odd questions:
Are you single?
Eh? Well, of course I am. Isn’t that the point?
What type of relationship are you looking for?
· Casual
· Serious
· Friendship
· Marriage
· I’d rather not say
Marriage!? Are people really coming on to this website to find husbands and wives? Jesus. What would the conversation be like for two people who met up looking to get married?
‘Hello, I’m Trevor. Thanks for answering my e-mail.’
‘Not at all! Pleased to meet you.’
‘Can I buy you a drink?’
‘I’d rather you didn’t actually, see I’m hoping to get married by the end of the night and don’t want to waste time.’
‘By gum! What a coincidence, me too!’
‘Wow! Really?’
‘Why yes! And it just so happens I have two aeroplane tickets to Las Vegas!’
‘What are we waiting for?!’
And who on earth would put I’d rather not say? What use is that? Why would anyone go to all the trouble of signing up to a dating site and not put down what type of relationship they’re after? Are you scared of putting people off? There’s an option to say you’re looking to get married, what could be more off-putting than that?!
Or is it that they don’t they know what they’re looking for? Surely that makes finding someone more difficult? Or, on the other hand, does it make you seem more open?
Oh god. Should I pick that one? If I put casual, would I come across as not caring enough to put the effort in? Would I be coming across as too strong if I put serious relationship?
Argh! And this is supposed to make dating easier!
It was all a bit overwhelming. I decided to turn my computer off and get some sleep. I went to bed and had nightmares about being chased by knife-wielding brides.
Back to the present day…
So that was the result of my first search for a speed dating event. It seemed unlikely to happen, just as I was warming to the idea.
But I would change Tim’s mind, and we would bring another friend on board…
Stay tuned!
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