Post Five: Conquering the Devil

If you’re a regular reader of this here blog, you’ll know that it’s anonymous and that previously it said my name is A. C. Fire – that was just the initials of the blog title, I put that as my name because I had to have something. Well, I’ve decided to put in a proper name. Not my actual name right enough, but a normal name so as to make this a bit more relatable and personal.

I was tempted to call myself Conquistador El Diablo (which means ‘Conquering the devil') but instead I settled on the just-as-evocative Rob.

Anyway, in my last post I promised that this was where the adventure begins, and I’m sure you’ve been checking this page like a rabid dog the past few days to see if it’s been updated.

So let’s venture into The All Consuming Fire…

This Is The Title For The Fourth Post

Now, loyal reader(s), I'm sure you’re probably thinking , ‘This guy is brilliant’, or something similar, but I feel  I should apologise: not a lot has happened so far; it’s post 4 and we’re only just getting into things.

The reason for that is because this is a Real Life, Honest To God True Story, and that means there will be boring bits as well as gun battles, sword fights and car chases (of which there are none).

Anyway, it’s been a wee while since I posted – I’ve been doing some freelance work this past week or so, so I’ve not had as much time. But we’re here now, eh?

Let us enter The All Consuming Fire...

Episode III: A New Post

Previously, on The All Consuming Fire…

My good chum persuaded me to go speed dating, in an effort to make me a bit less miserable. After much nay-saying on my part, I finally agreed because This Man created sperm in a lab and I, along with men the world over, would soon be obsolete and therefire become servants to a world of Womanly Overlords! (Actually, that kind of sounds appealing…)

But, Oh No! After a whole day of building a big bastarding shed, Tim thought all the available speed dating options were too posh for our scummy little selves.

Also, we went onto an online dating site because, well, it was late, my computer was on, and Tim’s flatmate was one, and it was kinda related… It was also blood-chillingly terrifying.

And now, Episode 3.

(The All Consuming Fire is filmed before a live studio audience.)

Post Two - The Plot Thickens (a bit)

Welcome back, traveller! Thanks for returning to The All Consuming Fire (that sentence makes it sound like you’re being damned for all eternity. Hey, maybe you will be).

So, as you will no doubt remember, I decided to follow Tim’s advice and we would go speed dating.

I don’t know if this system is implemented at every speed dating party, but generally a group of men and women sit round a room in a bar and chat with each other. After a few minutes all the guys move to the next table and start chatting to the next girl, and you mark on a piece of paper the girls you’re interested in, and vice versa.

This information is then processed– through the use of witchcraft, or something – and your details are swapped with any girl who felt the same towards you.

So if Man A likes Woman B, and she likes him, their phone number or e-mail address will be exchanged. But Woman B’s details won’t be swapped with Man C if she didn’t like him much. (Maybe he smells funny, or is really sweaty?)

So, that’s how speed dating worked, and here’s what happened!

Hello there!

Hello the, thanks for stopping by! It’s great to see you, you’re looking extra lovely today.

So, you’re no doubt sitting there thinking ‘What hilarious delight have I stumbled across here then?!’.

Or maybe you just took a wrong turn and have too much work to do to keep reading. Well, you can ignore that spreadsheet for now, and facebook will still be there when you get back!

Right then! Are you comfy? More or less? Good. Let’s begin.

Midway through 2009, my friend Tim (no, it’s not his real name, but he looks like it should be) and I were in a pub. As sometimes happens in pubs, we had a drink*.

We chatted away, about this and that, and everything that comes in between, important stuff, like current affairs and boobs.