Hello there!

Hello the, thanks for stopping by! It’s great to see you, you’re looking extra lovely today.

So, you’re no doubt sitting there thinking ‘What hilarious delight have I stumbled across here then?!’.

Or maybe you just took a wrong turn and have too much work to do to keep reading. Well, you can ignore that spreadsheet for now, and facebook will still be there when you get back!

Right then! Are you comfy? More or less? Good. Let’s begin.

Midway through 2009, my friend Tim (no, it’s not his real name, but he looks like it should be) and I were in a pub. As sometimes happens in pubs, we had a drink*.

We chatted away, about this and that, and everything that comes in between, important stuff, like current affairs and boobs.

(Did you only click the ‘keep reading’ link because I mentioned boobs? Yes? Bravo. We are going to get along very well.)

As well as all that, I found myself complaining a bit. Now, I'm one of these guys that bottles things up too much, so if one or two things are bothering me, I'll ignore them until they go away. Or, more accurately, I'll go over them up in my head for ages, making them seem a lot worse than they are, then my skull implodes.

So, anyway, I'm sitting in the pub with Tim, and I was complaining about stuff. Like work. Like failing my driving test. Like not getting anywhere as a writer. Mainly though, I was complaining that we were about to see Transformers 2.

‘Sounds like you need to get a girlfriend, mate,’ said Tim.

‘Eh? Nah, I've got more important things to worry about,’ I said.

‘Like what?’

‘Well, I have to paint my room and cut the grass. And that’s just for starters!’

Life could be hell sometimes.

‘I think having a girlfriend would solve a lot of problems for you.’

‘Eh, I’m not sure.’

‘Don’t be so dismissive. Look, you’re 23 and you’ve never had a proper relationship.’

He had a point; my relationships tended to have a shelf life of a month or two. I’m not too sure why this is; I mean, I’m not a bad person. I don’t spend my afternoons nudging small children off walls or setting fire to cows.

Anyway, after this, I thought Tim might be onto something. Maybe I should take his advice? I was complaining about a lot of stuff after all, and if I wanted things to improve, then maybe changing my own attitudes was the best place to start?

‘You ever considered speed dating?’ Tim continued.

‘Speed dating?’ The term sounded ugly and awkward. 'Nope. Not sure I fancy it.'

‘We should look into it, I’m sure there are plenty of places in Glasgow that would do it.’

I really wasn't convinced. I'm a bit shy and quiet when until I’ve known people for a while, and speed dating seemed like the worst possible scenario for that kind of personality.

Tim sensed my unease. ‘We could just turn up, see what happens. It's laid-back, there’s no pressure. It'll be fun!'

‘How do you know?’ I said.

‘Oh I did it at uni once,’ Tim said with a grin.

‘Yeah? What happened?’

‘I pissed off a fat girl.’

‘Lovely. Look, I'm not much good at slow dating; I don't see how doing it quickly will help.’

‘It'll be fun.’

‘Yeah, but you don't have as much to worry about; you're good with people, girls like you, it's in your comfort zone.’

‘I'm not that good with girls. I'm single just now, aren't I?’

I thought about how the only accomplishment at his own speed dating adventure was pissing off a far girl.

‘Yes, yes you are,’ I said. ‘You think speed dating is the right way to go?’

‘No reason not to try it, is there? When was the last time you had a girlfriend?'

It had been over three years since my last relationship. Yes, three years.

Stop laughing.

‘Eh, a couple of years,’ I said, after squinting my eyes and furrowing my brow to make it look like it was hard to remember.

‘Ha! Well, you can't afford not to go, can you?’

‘Eh...,’ I said, adding much to the debate.

See, searching for a girlfriend was never that important to me; I’ve never felt “my life  could be so much better, if only I had a girlfriend”. But then, I’m lucky because I’m not a lonely person: I have a great relationship with my family and the best friends money can buy.

But Tim was right – there was nothing to lose.

‘Alright,’ I said. ‘I'll look into it.’

‘Good.’

So, that was pretty much it, and this blog is about what happened when I followed Tim’s advice.

Over the next few days/weeks/months, I'll update this page with what happened. Some memories may be a little sketchy, but I promise I won’t lie and I'll chronicle events as accurately as I can (there’s no point in writing this otherwise).

Anyway, stay tuned and feel free to comment on any aspect of this - feedback is always appreciated, even the nasty kind**. And who knows? Maybe my experiences will help some of you out. Or maybe some of your experiences can help me? Maybe we can all hope to learn an important lesson?

I look forward to getting stuck in.

Yours notmyrealnamefully,

Rob

PS: The name “The All Consuming Fire” doesn’t have any real significance to the story, it’s just the name of a song*** that happened to be playing when I started writing this (by a New Model Army, since you asked).

*99.9% of the world's most stupid ideas started this way

**Not really