Dear Internet,

As everyone who possesses even a hint of Wi-Fi will know, this blog has flatlined to a point well beyond resuscitation. This is for two good reasons.

One, I neglected, ignored and forgot about it.

Two, I neglected, ignored and forgot about it because I've re-moulded, re-forged and re-written the story in book form.

That's right, The All Consuming Fire will become a book! With a higher quality of writing! And fewer pictures of Lance Armstrong! And a comparable volume of penis jokes!

Want to know more? Okay, my real, full and actual name is Steven McKinnon.

Want to know even more than that?

Then head on over to www.stevenmckinnon.net...

And thanks to everyone who read this! Here's to new and exciting things...



Steven McKinnon

Post Fourteen - The One With A Rubbish Subtitle Because I Am Rubbish At Thinking Subtitles Up

In post 13, I showed you Tim’s photographs of Victor, the Plastic Snowman, and I told you how we were going to e-mail a different picture to our friend Mike every week, from an anonymous e-mail address, because we are hilarious bastards.

So, every Monday at 3pm, we sent a photo of Victor the Plastic Snowman straight into Mike’s Inbox from our custom-built email address (riddlemethis3003@i’mstillnotreallygoingtopublishithere.com).

As you will no doubt have already  gathered, this was brilliant.

I pictured him sitting there every Monday afternoon, probably eating Coco Pops, staring at his laptop, and wondering why he was getting pictures sent to him of a snowman visiting Glasgow’s tourist attractions. How long would it be before it chipped away at his sanity and he started to pin each week’s photo to a wall, staring at it for hours on end, trying to work out the Case of the Plastic Snowman?

Post thirteen-and-a-half

Hello!

Well, would you look at that, it's been over a year since I've updated this little corner of the net.

"Why the delay?" I hear no-one you ask? Nope, I wasn't silenced by The Man for keeping it real and telling it how it is, I'm just lazy.

Actually, in my defense, I started working with an online parenting magazine at the same time as I began my story here, and, as it got towards Christmas of 2011, I had to dedicate more time to work than this (sorry readers, I know you both must have been pretty upset at this).

The other reason I neglected it was because I totally managed to woo the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes upon* (the story of which will be posted here in due course).

Now, as you sit there, you're probably thinking something along the lines of, 'Rob, you're back! Hurrah! We have a lot to talk about, such as the fact that I know your real name is Steven! Also, thanks for updating this; I've been sitting in front of my computer for over a year now waiting for a new post to pop up! I can get something to eat now! I certainly hope there's another guest appearance by Victor Victorson, the Plastic Snowman! One must ask though: if you didn't update this for a year because you had a girlfriend, does that mean you're not seeing her any more?!'

Ha! Ye of little faith! Allow me to confirm that... Yes, this means I am not seeing her any more.

Anyway, as many (better) bloggists before me will no doubt have promised you, I'll try to update this a bit more frequently in the New Year. For now though, thanks for tuning in: it is genuinely appreciated.

And you look absolutely fucking gorgeous by the way, this last year has done you wonders, especially your hair, and that thing you've got going on with your eyes. Keep it up.

Yours faithfully,
Steven
Rob


*So far

Post Thirteen: Enter Victor (not literally)

So, in Post 12, Tim and I took a sojourn to our old high school, which turned out to be a Bond-esque adventure of the highest calibre. I realise that after reading it you may have thought, ‘Why, that mirthful tale has enriched my life beyond belief, and I shall tell everyone I’ve ever met about this little blog! However, it doesn’t have much to do with dating and things, now does it?’ 


Well,  yeah, you’re right. But my love-life wasn’t the only thing that I wanted to improve; I wanted to “broaden my horizons”, get out of a rut, go out and do stuff, and pretty much change my outlook on life. Visiting my old high school was just a fun little part of that. Plus it was good having a new anecdote to tell people. It’s just a shame that the place was torn down before we could go back with more of our high school mates, like Mike. I couldn’t wait to tell Mike, he’d have loved it. I was looking forward to telling him all about it over a beverage or two.

But a few days after our adventure, Tim came to see me at work. And he had a Good Idea.

Post Twelve: Adventures in High School

Hello there, and welcome to Post 12 of The All Consuming Fire! Sorry it’s been a while, but I’ve been away, namely in Gothenburg where I went to see Iron Maiden. It was brilliant. So good, in fact, I saw them again in Glasgow and Aberdeen.

I’d love to tell you all about my Crazy-Globetrotting-All-The-Way-To-Aberdeen Adventure as much as I'm sure you’d love to hear it, but that’s not why you’re here, is it? You’re here by accident because you want to read about my Ill-Conceived-But-Heart-Warming-And-Very-Enjoyable-To-Read Silly Dating Adventure.

So, with that in mind, follow me. . .

Post Eleven - Lessons to be Learned

Although I wasn’t quite over Emily, I decided to make an effort, rather than sit around moping and moaning (that’s what made me do it in the first place, after all). I thought it would be best to be proactive, and jump into the deep end.

I was wrong.

Post Ten; things get A Bit Better

Sorry this hasn't been updated for a while, I was on holiday (Sweden, since you asked).

In the previous episode, Our Hero (me) got dumped. It was not pleasant. I've no doubt that you've been refreshing this blog every minute or so since it was last updated to see what happened next, to see if there was a happy ending. Well refresh no more, for Post 10 is here!

Post Nine. Bit of a rubbish one, this.

Hello there, dear reader person! And welcome to Post 9, where things get a little bit miserable. I’ve kept this post as brief and concise as possible, in an effort to save you from crying in a fit of depression. And, also, because I’m going on holiday in a couple of days and have to sort everything stuff for it.

As you probably know, I had been dating a lovely girl called Emily for a month or two, and things were going really well. But then they weren’t. And that was rubbish. This post is the sad part of the story, so I won’t hate you if you decide not to read any further; it’s okay, I enjoyed the good bits too. I promise I won’t hold it against you if you want to believe that the story continued the way it was going, in Fantasy Land, where Emily and I probably lived happily ever after in a house made of cake with forty babies and lots of money and not a concern in the world.

I thank you for your time, it did not go unappreciated. So long!

For those of you who want to continue onwards, to the Un-Fantasy Land (also known as ‘Real Life’), then follow me…

Post Eight: Unknown Waters

Welcome dear reader, and a very happy Fathers Day if you happen to be father. And happy Sunday Afternoon to the rest of you.

So, we last parted ways after another successful date with Emily, whom I had really started to like. Date three was a bit more casual, a trip to the cinema (we saw The Men Who Stare At Goats, with George Clooney, Kevin Spacey and Ewan McGregor).

The film was good, and Emily and I were enjoying each other’s company, and definitely very interested in each other. If you remember back to the first post, I’d mentioned that part of the problem of me not being successful with ladyfolk was simply because I didn’t like any of the girls I saw regularly in a romantic way. With Emily, I had broken that cycle; I was unkown territory and loving every minute of it.

Seventh Post of a Seventh Post*

I won’t lie to you: that first date was amazing. I was smiling the whole way home and wondering why I hadn’t considered online dating ages ago.

A couple of days later, I met up with Mike and Tim and told them all about it… kind of.

I say ‘kind of’ because I’m the sort of guy that plays things down a bit; I told them the date was good when really it was great. I don’t know exactly why I do this – maybe I just don’t want to get carried away? Maybe it’s some kind of defence mechanism? Whatever the case, it’s just the way it is.

So I told them that we had a lot in common, that there was an instant spark. Naturally, they were happy.

Of course, this made me a bit nervous; it had, remember, been ages since I went on a date, let alone one that was better than I had hoped.

This meant there was a bench mark, and I fully intended on surpassing it.

Post Six: Emily

So, what a juncture to leave this blog for a while, eh? I was feeling a bit under the weather, and I neglected to update this because of all the soup, water and penicillin I was feasting on.

Many apologies, but I’m back now, loyal reader, so let us hence forth!

Post Five: Conquering the Devil

If you’re a regular reader of this here blog, you’ll know that it’s anonymous and that previously it said my name is A. C. Fire – that was just the initials of the blog title, I put that as my name because I had to have something. Well, I’ve decided to put in a proper name. Not my actual name right enough, but a normal name so as to make this a bit more relatable and personal.

I was tempted to call myself Conquistador El Diablo (which means ‘Conquering the devil') but instead I settled on the just-as-evocative Rob.

Anyway, in my last post I promised that this was where the adventure begins, and I’m sure you’ve been checking this page like a rabid dog the past few days to see if it’s been updated.

So let’s venture into The All Consuming Fire…

This Is The Title For The Fourth Post

Now, loyal reader(s), I'm sure you’re probably thinking , ‘This guy is brilliant’, or something similar, but I feel  I should apologise: not a lot has happened so far; it’s post 4 and we’re only just getting into things.

The reason for that is because this is a Real Life, Honest To God True Story, and that means there will be boring bits as well as gun battles, sword fights and car chases (of which there are none).

Anyway, it’s been a wee while since I posted – I’ve been doing some freelance work this past week or so, so I’ve not had as much time. But we’re here now, eh?

Let us enter The All Consuming Fire...

Episode III: A New Post

Previously, on The All Consuming Fire…

My good chum persuaded me to go speed dating, in an effort to make me a bit less miserable. After much nay-saying on my part, I finally agreed because This Man created sperm in a lab and I, along with men the world over, would soon be obsolete and therefire become servants to a world of Womanly Overlords! (Actually, that kind of sounds appealing…)

But, Oh No! After a whole day of building a big bastarding shed, Tim thought all the available speed dating options were too posh for our scummy little selves.

Also, we went onto an online dating site because, well, it was late, my computer was on, and Tim’s flatmate was one, and it was kinda related… It was also blood-chillingly terrifying.

And now, Episode 3.

(The All Consuming Fire is filmed before a live studio audience.)

Post Two - The Plot Thickens (a bit)

Welcome back, traveller! Thanks for returning to The All Consuming Fire (that sentence makes it sound like you’re being damned for all eternity. Hey, maybe you will be).

So, as you will no doubt remember, I decided to follow Tim’s advice and we would go speed dating.

I don’t know if this system is implemented at every speed dating party, but generally a group of men and women sit round a room in a bar and chat with each other. After a few minutes all the guys move to the next table and start chatting to the next girl, and you mark on a piece of paper the girls you’re interested in, and vice versa.

This information is then processed– through the use of witchcraft, or something – and your details are swapped with any girl who felt the same towards you.

So if Man A likes Woman B, and she likes him, their phone number or e-mail address will be exchanged. But Woman B’s details won’t be swapped with Man C if she didn’t like him much. (Maybe he smells funny, or is really sweaty?)

So, that’s how speed dating worked, and here’s what happened!

Hello there!

Hello the, thanks for stopping by! It’s great to see you, you’re looking extra lovely today.

So, you’re no doubt sitting there thinking ‘What hilarious delight have I stumbled across here then?!’.

Or maybe you just took a wrong turn and have too much work to do to keep reading. Well, you can ignore that spreadsheet for now, and facebook will still be there when you get back!

Right then! Are you comfy? More or less? Good. Let’s begin.

Midway through 2009, my friend Tim (no, it’s not his real name, but he looks like it should be) and I were in a pub. As sometimes happens in pubs, we had a drink*.

We chatted away, about this and that, and everything that comes in between, important stuff, like current affairs and boobs.