Dear Internet,

As everyone who possesses even a hint of Wi-Fi will know, this blog has flatlined to a point well beyond resuscitation. This is for two good reasons.

One, I neglected, ignored and forgot about it.

Two, I neglected, ignored and forgot about it because I've re-moulded, re-forged and re-written the story in book form.

That's right, The All Consuming Fire will become a book! With a higher quality of writing! And fewer pictures of Lance Armstrong! And a comparable volume of penis jokes!

Want to know more? Okay, my real, full and actual name is Steven McKinnon.

Want to know even more than that?

Then head on over to www.stevenmckinnon.net...

And thanks to everyone who read this! Here's to new and exciting things...



Steven McKinnon

Post Fourteen - The One With A Rubbish Subtitle Because I Am Rubbish At Thinking Subtitles Up

In post 13, I showed you Tim’s photographs of Victor, the Plastic Snowman, and I told you how we were going to e-mail a different picture to our friend Mike every week, from an anonymous e-mail address, because we are hilarious bastards.

So, every Monday at 3pm, we sent a photo of Victor the Plastic Snowman straight into Mike’s Inbox from our custom-built email address (riddlemethis3003@i’mstillnotreallygoingtopublishithere.com).

As you will no doubt have already  gathered, this was brilliant.

I pictured him sitting there every Monday afternoon, probably eating Coco Pops, staring at his laptop, and wondering why he was getting pictures sent to him of a snowman visiting Glasgow’s tourist attractions. How long would it be before it chipped away at his sanity and he started to pin each week’s photo to a wall, staring at it for hours on end, trying to work out the Case of the Plastic Snowman?

Post thirteen-and-a-half

Hello!

Well, would you look at that, it's been over a year since I've updated this little corner of the net.

"Why the delay?" I hear no-one you ask? Nope, I wasn't silenced by The Man for keeping it real and telling it how it is, I'm just lazy.

Actually, in my defense, I started working with an online parenting magazine at the same time as I began my story here, and, as it got towards Christmas of 2011, I had to dedicate more time to work than this (sorry readers, I know you both must have been pretty upset at this).

The other reason I neglected it was because I totally managed to woo the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes upon* (the story of which will be posted here in due course).

Now, as you sit there, you're probably thinking something along the lines of, 'Rob, you're back! Hurrah! We have a lot to talk about, such as the fact that I know your real name is Steven! Also, thanks for updating this; I've been sitting in front of my computer for over a year now waiting for a new post to pop up! I can get something to eat now! I certainly hope there's another guest appearance by Victor Victorson, the Plastic Snowman! One must ask though: if you didn't update this for a year because you had a girlfriend, does that mean you're not seeing her any more?!'

Ha! Ye of little faith! Allow me to confirm that... Yes, this means I am not seeing her any more.

Anyway, as many (better) bloggists before me will no doubt have promised you, I'll try to update this a bit more frequently in the New Year. For now though, thanks for tuning in: it is genuinely appreciated.

And you look absolutely fucking gorgeous by the way, this last year has done you wonders, especially your hair, and that thing you've got going on with your eyes. Keep it up.

Yours faithfully,
Steven
Rob


*So far

Post Thirteen: Enter Victor (not literally)

So, in Post 12, Tim and I took a sojourn to our old high school, which turned out to be a Bond-esque adventure of the highest calibre. I realise that after reading it you may have thought, ‘Why, that mirthful tale has enriched my life beyond belief, and I shall tell everyone I’ve ever met about this little blog! However, it doesn’t have much to do with dating and things, now does it?’ 


Well,  yeah, you’re right. But my love-life wasn’t the only thing that I wanted to improve; I wanted to “broaden my horizons”, get out of a rut, go out and do stuff, and pretty much change my outlook on life. Visiting my old high school was just a fun little part of that. Plus it was good having a new anecdote to tell people. It’s just a shame that the place was torn down before we could go back with more of our high school mates, like Mike. I couldn’t wait to tell Mike, he’d have loved it. I was looking forward to telling him all about it over a beverage or two.

But a few days after our adventure, Tim came to see me at work. And he had a Good Idea.

Post Twelve: Adventures in High School

Hello there, and welcome to Post 12 of The All Consuming Fire! Sorry it’s been a while, but I’ve been away, namely in Gothenburg where I went to see Iron Maiden. It was brilliant. So good, in fact, I saw them again in Glasgow and Aberdeen.

I’d love to tell you all about my Crazy-Globetrotting-All-The-Way-To-Aberdeen Adventure as much as I'm sure you’d love to hear it, but that’s not why you’re here, is it? You’re here by accident because you want to read about my Ill-Conceived-But-Heart-Warming-And-Very-Enjoyable-To-Read Silly Dating Adventure.

So, with that in mind, follow me. . .

Post Eleven - Lessons to be Learned

Although I wasn’t quite over Emily, I decided to make an effort, rather than sit around moping and moaning (that’s what made me do it in the first place, after all). I thought it would be best to be proactive, and jump into the deep end.

I was wrong.

Post Ten; things get A Bit Better

Sorry this hasn't been updated for a while, I was on holiday (Sweden, since you asked).

In the previous episode, Our Hero (me) got dumped. It was not pleasant. I've no doubt that you've been refreshing this blog every minute or so since it was last updated to see what happened next, to see if there was a happy ending. Well refresh no more, for Post 10 is here!